It’s usually an accumulation of small comments that tips you off. Perhaps during your weekly/monthly/yearly phone call with your daughter you start to hear a common sentiment: “It felt like a great job at first but now I’m not sure…,” or “I’m as bored at this job as I was at the last one. I still don’t know what to do with my life…,” or even “I had another talk with my supervisor.” You’re a parent. You know your child. And you can see the problem coming. No matter how it’s said, the point is the same: your kid needs a different career. But is there anything that you can (or should) do? Fair question.
You’re a parent. You know your child. And you can see the problem coming. No matter how it comes up, the point is the same: your kid needs a different career. But is there anything that you can (or should) do? Fair question.
Well, first things first– should you do anything at all? After all, there have been many movies made on parental overreach and your adult child is exactly that: an adult. How can you be involved in a way that is helpful? Well, let’s consider…
Things that probably won’t help:
Each family is different, but experience suggests that there are a few pitfalls worth avoiding, namely: stealing the focus and taking the reins.
Stealing the focus: Think back on your own experience. There is nothing more frustrating than when you are being pushed to change something in your life so that someone else can feel better about theirs. It’s even more difficult when the thing you are being pushed to change has nothing to do with the other person. This is the danger around trying to help our children with career change. We want the best for our kids; we worry about them. But when our attempts to help have more to do with calming our worry than actually helping them find fulfillment, we’ve gone astray.
Taking the reins: Remember that we’re here to help our children navigate some exploration, not do the exploring for them. Ask yourself, “if I stopped pushing the topic, would my son/daughter still be concerned about it?” If not, perhaps you’re more invested than they are.
We want the best for our kids; we worry about them. But when our attempts to help have more to do with calming our worry than actually helping them find fulfillment, we’ve gone astray.
Things that could help:
All that said, how can we be helpful when we see our kids struggling with poor career fit? A few options:
Describe what we’ve observed and ask if our perception is correct. Perhaps your child’s career problems are the most obvious thing in the world, and perhaps your child is always honest with you about the whole range of emotions that their current career produces, and perhaps you are never wrong in interpreting the emotions of others. But hear me out: You might be wrong. You might be a little wrong or 120% wrong or maybe just 10% wrong but you’ll never know until you check. Something that has worked for others: I’ve noticed that you have a lot of stories of how poorly work is going. Do you think a career change would be worth it?
Be emotionally supportive. Whether you are right or wrong, you can always help by being supportive about the crummy situation they appear to be in. Now don’t get carried away with the idea of emotional support. You don’t need to say things like “I hear your inner child crying over your crumbling dreams…”. You can just say something like “that stinks,” when someone describes something that truly does stink.
You don’t need to say things like “I hear your inner child crying over your crumbling dreams…”. You can just say something like “that stinks,” when someone describes something that truly does stink.
If resources can help, be helpful. Sometimes, and only sometimes, the problem that we are facing can be helped with the right knowledge. In the career change field this might be assessment and consultation (that’s what I do), but just as often it can be setting a up a conversation for your son or daughter with someone further along in their field. It can be helping with grandkids if your child needs some time at night to do some research. It can be talking about your own career path. There’s a danger in throwing resources at a problem before we know what the issue is, but if resources can be helpful, then be helpful.
So…
Honestly, it’s a minefield. All the more reason to take it slow. If you have any questions about this, feel free to give me a call. I’m glad to chat for a few minutes about your options.
